It’s been a long week of insomnia.
My head is spinning. I’m getting married in less than a month. I am going to likely miss major deadlines this week. I feel like a pulsating object sending electric shock through my body. This insurmountable equation seems like an impossible mountain of dirty laundry in a filthy, neglected room managed by a debilitatingly lazy person with low self-esteem. This room is my room and the person is me.
This is self-judgment. It is my pain. But it is my pain and my own to keep. I do not wish it on anyone else nor myself. I cry in the darkness of my room and I want to keep the lights off, especially my smartphone. Each article heightens every emotion I feel that maybe I do not belong on this planet. I am an alien with a defective body. Everyone else is a functioning, normative human body. In this moment I am consumed by these defective thoughts and I know I am using the improper psychological terms. But it is midnight and I know I need my Epsom salt bath or else I will not make it to tomorrow. My body has been too exhausted to change clothes, wash my face, bend over to run water and get in the tub. But I know if I do this I will get better.
It is hard to make the choice to get better. Mind puzzles our brains play on us keep us trapped inside our ailing bodies, keeping us from living our best lives. A choice as simple as getting in a bath tub turns into rocket science when my emotions have been taxed by relationships and how exactly one single person can change the world.
The truth is, no one person can change the world, not the entire world, alone. This is how I begin the process of forgiving myself for allowing my body to deteriorate to its current state, and also enable myself to arrive to the point of recognizing that it is not entirely my fault. I have a legitimate chronic illness. Despite anything I do, how many baths I take, how regular my yoga routine is, my supplement intake, my body has a mind of its own. It is 1 degree outside. Yes, there are ways I can help myself, sometimes. But this is preventative care. All the preventative care in the world cannot prevent a sleepless night and a pain flare. This is the way things are. Chronic illness does not have a magic get well quick formula, especially if you are treatment resistant with a complicated diagnosis like I do.
Pocket full of starlight: We are all different, our pain is all different, and yours is valid. If you are hurting tonight, it is not your fault, even if you did not do all the things today.
Pocket full of darkness: Sometimes we judge ourselves too harshly. Please don’t judge yourself for judgeing. You’ll only start a vicious concentric circle within a circle.