It’s a big sad

I applied for disability today.

Four years ago was the first time a friend practically screamed at me that I needed to. I was working at Indeed, and I was suffering from intense vomiting. I could barely function at work and was hanging out in the bathroom most of the time.

Later I joined a support group who rather frequently remarked at my mental state from my lack of sleep that I needed social security income, and today I finally applied.

Admittedly there’s some shame mixed into this whole process. Everyone has overheard friends and family members complaining about such and such a person filing for disability. But since I’ve started my DBT course, I’ve learned that I don’t have to accept things like shame or guilt. There are ways to deal with these negative emotions, and I don’t have to let them define me.

The ugly truths are that I haven’t worked in over a year and I just lost my title as graduate student. I know I need this. I’m about to lose my title as a wife, in the short whirlwind of my marriage. With so many losses it will be hard to build myself up, and I acknowledge that. But I can do it.

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