My husband and I are working towards reuniting, and I’ve been opening up to him about issues I have with myself. One is that as far back as I can remember, I never felt deserving of love, not even my mother’s. He asked if that was why I had trust issues. I said yes.
We discussed how our relationship changed once I lost my center when I developed chronic pain. Before chronic pain, I was very trusting of him. But afterwards, nothing he did was right. This isn’t to say he doesn’t do bad things from time to time – he is human and capable of despicable things – but I no longer could trust fall on him.
I mainly wanted him to know this so he could understand where I was coming from. At my core is a scared, sad little girl who really, really hates herself and the whole goddamn world because of her lack of self-love. Think about it: when your own body betrays you, you really can’t trust your own shadow. I felt betrayed by myself. I didn’t know who I was anymore. I still don’t, but I’m making some progress.