Issues With Christian Dating

teapot with manicured hand with text "issues with christian dating"

As a recovering Christian who still loves Jesus but objects to large parts of the fundamentalist Christian culture I was raised in, I have some reflections on Christian dating in the light of what’s going on in my personal life.

Most people know that back in ancient times, the 1980s, many people didn’t cohabit. Nowadays for the most part people do cohabit, even if they are Christians. Not so if they fall on the fundamentalist evangelical spectrum, or if they have something to hide.

This makes dating a bit like a high-stakes game of poker. You put on a poker face with the intent that if you bid all, you win all, and you’re able to feed yourself at the end of the night.

In this poker round, you are both the player and your bid. You view your date as the pot. Likewise, your date sees themselves as the player and the bid and you as the pot. What I’m trying to say is, you’re both greedy, hungry, anticipatory, and there’s more than fun and games going on here from the minute you message someone on OK Cupid. You’re objectifying each other. Is this person a good mother? Will he be a good provider? Is he a spiritual leader? Will we make a good home together? What will they give me?

What I’m trying to get at here is that there is no enjoyment of the other person for who they simply are, and there is no fun in dating.

For many high-anxiety types who come from fundamentalist homes, realizing the first time I just sat back and relaxed – or enjoyed myself – was a big deal. I was out of college and hiking on my neighborhood trail. I wasn’t analyzing anything, trying to grapple with hidden meanings, or attempting to ascertain whether I deserved to be viewing nature in all its glory or not. Nature was her own thing. She was cool all by herself. She didn’t serve me. I wasn’t here to get anything out of her other than to see what was up. And, I wasn’t here to persuade nature of anything. I was just walking down a dirt trail, tripping over tree roots, getting sweaty and dirty, purely myself. It was the first time I had done something like this. And I enjoyed it for what it was.

Likewise, I believe healthy secular dating adopts this model. You message someone on Bumble because they seem interesting and you want to see what’s up. There are no wedding bells going off in your head at your first coffee meet up. All this is is a relaxation into a person. If the relaxation turns sharp and uncomfortable, you tell the person goodbye, and you ease on into the next phase of life, whether it involves another person for a while or not.

I’m not saying secular dating is without its pains and pitfalls, because anything involving human beings is messy. But I do believe it has far less dangers than the traditional Christian dating model.

Christian dating is, at its best, objectifying and idolizing, whereas secular dating is far more down to earth and honest. If you want to get to know someone, it’s best to see them as a human being instead of a potential spouse. More open conversations flow that way because there’s less stress and pressure.

I may be writing this because I’ve been burned, but I’ve had other girlfriends coming from fundamentalist evangelical homes echo my sentiments. At the end of the day, it’s up to you whether you want to walk down an aisle blindfolded or slowly acknowledge someone for who they are.

5 Weird Things Newlyweds Do

Bear and I only cohabited for 2 months before the wedding (although I pushed for longer) so the good ol’ moving in together strangeness is upon us, besides being married is just weird. Here’s just some of the weird things we’ve done as newlyweds.

1.Fighting Over Pizza

As newlyweds, you will fight. Wedded bliss isn’t exactly a thing where you’re fight free, but one of the sillier, harmless fights is whether or not to order pizza, what gets put on it, et cetera.

2.Random Classy Twerking

You two will just twerk on each other. (It’s classy twerking because you’re married and it’s done in the privacy of your own home.) Whether one of you is in an office chair working at home, cooking in the kitchen, or doing your makeup. Twerking of this kind can be dangerous, and neither of you will exercise caution. Just speak up if you are cooking, putting on mascara, or on a conference call.

3. Never Leaving Each Other Alone

Want some spare time to make a phone call? Need to see your friends? Is your spouse looking over your shoulder as you write this?

Yeah, it be like that.

But would you have it any other way?

4. Getting Frisky In the Kitchen… With the Windows Open

You wake up, make coffee. Wait for him to get up so you can have breakfast together, and well… he is excited to see you. Very excited to see you. So you oblige him a little, and eventually you realize your large windows were open.

5. Incorporating Your Dog Into Your Married Unit

My fur child, Pupper Princess.

Now, I never officially made Bear Pupper Princess’ Doggy Daddy. I know some girls who make their boyfriends their pet’s dad after a year or so, but I wasn’t comfortable with that. What if she got confused? What if there was a custody battle?

I’ve had my dog for 8 years now. Bear keeps introducing Pupper Princess as our dog. It’s been hard to accept that she is, in fact, an “us” doggo instead of just “mine” now.


Being a newlywed couple comes with many emotions. Anger, lust, adventure, fun, awkwardness… and weirdness, as explored by this post. I assume cohabiters can relate to this as well. Hang on for the roller coaster ride! I hear it gets better!