Sometimes people are stupid, and that’s OK

Everybody has an evil little voice in their head that tells them they’re a piece of shit, or that something nice that happened to them was really sinister, or a good friend is out to get them. Many people name their evil little voice. I never have, but lately I’ve been thinking “anaconda” or “Brenda.” Mainly because my anaconda don’t want none unless you’ve got buns hun, and Brenda sounds like an annoying girl name. Like the Karen memes, but for a 14 year old. A blonde, cluelessly destructive 14 year old.

My Brenda anaconda (this is getting weird I know) likes to distort memories. Sometimes I wake up in the morning and she is flat out screaming at me that I am a horrible person and I should just… well… not deserve to live and I am an idiotic piece of shit how dare I take up space?

Brenda is not fun and she is basically a dick.

Brenda’s anaconda likes to blame other people and bite me into becoming a victim which is way not cool because other people have their own damn lives and I am a fucking person too.

So fuck off, Brenda. I don’t want none of your anaconda. CONSENT BITCH.

Wedding Planning For Spoonies: Now With Actual Spoons! 🥄

It’s time for book talk! I’m back to almost 20,000 words after getting the book down to 16,000. That’s quite a feat for a week. And now I have this adorable cover!

It probably is a bit cisgender – but I wanted the rainbow background for a reason. Please give me some #feedback for fun!

For those who don’t know, this is a wedding planning book for the chronically ill and disabled that covers LGBTQ+ as well as cisgender weddings.

Hebrews 1:3

image of the sky with white text overlay: "Joy in the Lord Hebrews 1:3 Reflections on spoonielifestyle.com"

On zoom a very good friend of mine and I have a bible study for just the two of us almost every day. It’s a good way to keep connected, learn more about ourselves, each other, and Jesus.

Right now we are studying Philippians and one of the last questions for the study yesterday was something along the lines of how you learned where you needed to improve and how you could implement it.

I struggle with being joyful, and I told my friend that perhaps being reminded of the joy I have in the Lord would help me. Maybe I could have visual reminders?

Next I recounted an anecdote about Stephen Colbert and how he supposedly kept Hebrews 1:3 on his computer monitor.


The Son is the radiance of God’s glory and the exact representation of his being, sustaining all things by his powerful word. After he provided purification for sins, he sat down at the right hand of majesty in heaven.

Hebrews 1:3 NIV

I could try sticky notes around my office space. Then my friend texted me the verse.

Hebrews 1:3 is pretty deep. It reminds me of the sun and moon, how the sun nourishes all living things and we can walk by night by the moon’s reflection of the sun. And both of these heavenly bodies are, well, in heaven. I know it doesn’t mean that at all most likely and means more than that, but this is an allegory that comes to mind.

Jesus is powerful, and he loves you tenderly. Have a little joy in your heart from that! I’ll try to have some in mine.

How to Survive a Night of Insomnia

Lately I’ve been getting up at 11pm, 1am, or most recently, 2am, and despite my best efforts, have been unable to fall back asleep. I’ve tried everything from meditation, medication, to alcohol, and I still can’t nod off. Unfortunately I tend to do stupid and impulsive things at night, especially just before dawn. I’ve compiled a list of things for my fellow insomniacs to do while they’re up in the early morning.

1. Read a happy book.

Don’t read anything scary. Not a thriller. Not a mystery novel. A book. A happy book.

2. Try one night cap a week.

I take a shot of whisky when I get really, really desperate. Just one. If you struggle with alcohol I’m sorry I wrote this part and please don’t do this. It doesn’t put me to sleep but it calms my nerves and I actually don’t do stupid things due to my anxiety and rumination.

3. Write something.

I work on my book, The Disability-Friendly Wedding Planner, blog posts, and my 27 memoirs, as well as my running diary.

4. Listen to binaural beats.

These have never in my life put me to sleep but they help with pain and anxiety.

5. Hop on Twitter and make friends.

Twitter is my favorite social media platform. I can spend hours on there discovering new things.

6. Daydream on Pinterest, but only a little.

Pinterest can be triggering for me, so I tend to stay off of it. But sometimes it can be fun.

7. Virtually volunteer.

I virtually volunteer at a few places and get my work done overnight, because I’m going to feel horrible during the day anyway.

8. Play with the doggy.

This is the best part about early mornings. I have an elderly dog, and she’s only active in the mornings and evenings. She sits in my lap, dances around, and acts cute. Unfortunately the affection ends after I feed her at 6am. Gee, I wonder why!

I hope this helps some of you. Insomnia can be a real bear. I haven’t figured out the cure for it yet. We’re all in this together!

My Dream: The Butterfly Tiny Ranch

pink box with gold border "my dream: the butterfly tiny ranch" with a pomeranian puppy wearing a pink scarf

Sometimes, when life gives you lemons, your brain makes lemonade.

Lately I’ve been dreaming of my Butterfly Tiny Ranch, my goal I’ve had since college to reduce my carbon footprint and feel like I could maintain a piece of land.

I don’t think I’ve asked too much from life when it comes to material possessions. At the same time I’m also the type of gal who likes to daydream and when all my little dreams I’ve had since childhood collide into one solid, beautiful picture, I get so lost in the idea I can’t sleep at night.

There are two things I’ve always wanted: a tiny house on some land and a bunch of dogs. A refuge away from the world where I could have snuggles, nature, and grow my own things from the earth.

By tiny house, I mean more like a tiny cottage – blue and white with wooden shutters, all on one level, with a Japanese soaking tub. It would be elegant and old-timey, like an 1800s guest house.

It would be just enough space for me and to entertain one person. That’s all I’ve ever needed anyway.

The land would have an elaborate rose garden with a brick walkway going through, followed by a vegetable garden, then an apothecary garden.

And then… there would be DOGS!

The supreme queen would be my dog of nine years, followed by a pack of Pomeranians and papillons, my two favorite dog breeds. I would have a dog wash station by the side of the house. A mobile dog groomer would come to pamper my pups.

The Monday Blues are Grateful For You

blue pain on wood with a heart imprint white text overlay " you don't know what you have till it's gone: the monday blues are thankful for you"

I haven’t had a regular Monday morning since November of 2018. At the time I was a receptionist for a seedy car lot and trying my hardest to keep up. Every morning I woke up at 3am for my strenuous 1 hour morning routine, followed by my hour commute to start work at 5am down I-35 in ridiculous traffic. My car was a 25 year old clunker with no airbags. In short, it was a dangerous journey.

I didn’t get along with the folks at the car lot. I was too genuine, and too disabled. This was year two of my chronic vomiting, and one Wednesday I ran from the receptionists’ desk to puke for about five minutes. There was another receptionist at my post. When I returned, I received a harsh reprimand and was promptly fired. The whole incident was so jarring I haven’t interviewed for a job since and have decided to make it on my own freelancing.

That’s not to say I don’t want a job. I long for a typical Monday morning with three cups of coffee, doing my hair and makeup, putting on cute clothes and rushing out the door into the chaos of traffic. I know it sounds insane, but as someone that’s been homebound for two years now, there are some “awful” things I wish I had in my life. Some tethers of normalcy to give me the crown of worthiness.

However, there was a time I hated my morning or night commute. There may be certain things we hate in life or dread, but they serve a purpose. Our commutes in our little cars take up little spaces in the world and show us where we fit in society, seamlessly and dangerously, knowing one crash could take us out forever.

A commute’s potential purpose is to gain insight about the world. That asshole who cut you off – have you ever considered you might have been the asshole? Or maybe they were rushing a baby to the hospital?

Another is to gain insight about the world. We are cars on a road part of a system that crosses continents. We are so, so small part of something so huge.

What about gaining insight about yourself? What do you do in the car to stay calm? Do you listen to angry music? Soothing music? Podcasts? Do you feed your mind, your emotions, or your soul?

Whether you make it to your destination or not, I’d say your Monday morning commute is thankful for you. Negative experiences – or experiences we think are negative – are grateful for you because they get to serve their positive purpose: to allow illumination in their darkness.

Keep Fishin’

Usually, no matter how bad my pain flare is, I wake up at 5am at the latest, do Tai Chi, have a blog post out by 9:30 edited a few times with a graphic, have eaten breakfast and downed 3 cups of coffee by 10am.

Presently I’ve been in a stress-induced pain flare. The pain has been worse than when I’ve first been diagnosed with fibromyalgia, when I would scream at night, sob while I read the bible, all because of the physical pain I was in. It was a nightmarish experience. Once I started the meds and began to get better, I thought that would never happen again.

The past 3 weeks I’ve had horrible insomnia, which has been a plague for me on and off for about two years. Last night I slept 12 hours.

Normally, this would not be a problem. But I’ve been applying for virtual volunteer positions, and I had an interview at 10am, and woke up at 10:55am.

Well, I may have missed an opportunity to make the world a better place, but my body feels much better and I may actually be able to do Tai Chi today.

What I mean to say is, for anyone else going through this, don’t give up, or as my favorite band Weezer would say, Keep Fishin’:

You’ll never be
A better kind
If you don’t leave
The world behind

Waste my days (Waste my days)
It drowns aways (Drown aways)
It’s just the thought of you
In love with someone else
It breaks my heart, to see you hangin’ from your shelf

You’ll never do
about:blankThe things you want
If you don’t move
And get a job

Waste my days (Waste my days)
It drowns aways (Drown aways)
It’s just the thought of you
In love with someone else
It breaks my heart, to see you hangin’ from your shelf

Oh girl when I’m in love with you (Do wah)
Keep fishin’ if you feel it’s true (Do wah)
There’s nothing much that we can do
To save you from yourself

Waste my days (Waste my days)
It drowns aways (Drowns aways)
It’s just the thought of you
In love with someone else
It breaks my heart to see you hangin’ from your shelf

Oh girl when I’m in love with you (Do wah)
Keep fishin’ if you feel it’s true (Do wah)
There’s nothing much that we can do
To save you from yourself

You’ll never be
A better kind
You’ll never be
A better kind

Waste my days (Ohhh)

Keep fishin’ y’all.

(Yes I know these are super lazy posts but I’m trying to still crank something positive out every day. Wait, that wasn’t a positive statement. It’s okay. I’m doing the best I can, me.)

It’s OK

I wasn’t sure what to write about today.

I woke up at 2:00AM in extreme pain, but that’s okay. It went away eventually and I fell back asleep.

As I erroneously look forward in my life, ever playing the fortune teller, I see black clouds hanging ahead. But I know that this is false thinking, and not what is actually true. Life can be hard sometimes, but it’s our perspectives that make seeing visible. If you purposefully put a towel over your eyes, you cannot see anything in your world. The world is dark and precarious. However, you are responsible for this. You can realize you have something covering your face and take it off, or you can see it in your hands and not put it on.

I juggle with the face-cover, sometimes blinding myself and sometimes enlightening myself within the cycle of minutes throughout the day. And that’s okay.

I’m human. So are you. We all are.

Taking Back Your Power Before Power Takes You

I notice a trend in my life, in other blogger’s lives, and in human beings in general. It’s of helplessness and hopelessness: being a victim of who you are and your circumstances.

I created this blog to take the stones thrown at me by life and create a castle out of them. For now, it’s what serves me – telling my story not to inspire others, but so that others in similar situations don’t feel so alone, that they may find strength in solidarity.

Oftentimes in the chronically ill community it is said that you have to cut out negativity in your life, and this includes friends. I recently did this with a particularly demeaning and diminutive friend.

She had always struck me as a snaggle-toothed, mousy girl who was kind-hearted but self-absorbed. Day and night she would text me her problems, but didn’t have time for mine. She belittled my diagnoses and insulted my wedding dress.

Eventually she turned out to be racist, sexist, and homophobic. This led me to the ethical questions of being so close to her. Was it wise to be associated with someone who thought such hateful thoughts and assumed they were mine as well when I couldn’t be more different? Is it okay to let yourself be friends with people who are so prejudiced? Does that mean you condone that line of thinking?

Ultimately, a racist statement and her general selfish mannerisms led me to cut ties.

She lived her life thinking she was a victim – always a problem, never having the power to solve it. While demeaning socialism she was a job hopper on minimum wages living with her parents and had a bachelor’s degree from a supposedly reputable private school.

Everything always happened to her. This was how she went from being a newspaper journalist to working at a Goodwill. She didn’t take back her power before power took her.

As for me, I admit I fall into the power trap as we all do at times. Sometimes I curse my pain and how I have no control. We may not have a say in the hands we’re dealt, but we can learn how to play them.

2am Pain Flare Prayer Time Reflections

Crown of thorns with text “Exploring faith and pain”

Very often I wake up at 2am in intense pain. The pain continues until sunrise; I’m unable to fall back asleep. I do many things while the pain has set on. Mainly I read, write, and design. My largest comfort by far is prayer and some light Bible reading.

I wrote a piece for the Mighty entitled How My Faith Gives Me Comfort and Companionship With Chronic Illness about this phenomenon, how I read through the Gospels aloud and cry, knowing the Savior himself also had chronic pain for his last time on Earth. We serve a God who was disabled in the flesh for a time as a human being, yet was still perfect. I can’t think of a greater comfort.

Tonight I started out by thanking God for the gift of his son Jesus, for giving me someone I could always relate to. Someone who could show me I did not have to strive to be accepted, to be loved, to love myself back, even in the midst of all this pain I was in in the middle of a world that did not understand me.

Perhaps this is something of what it means in John 1 where it is written: “The Light shines in the darkness, but the darkness has not understood it.”

Possibly very obviously so, as no one understood Jesus and he understood what was in a person, so he understands us when no one understands us.

As I contemplate these things after my prayer of thanksgiving for the Christ and the intricacies of my husband, I felt the pain lift a little after a while. Miraculous healing or redirecting of the mind? Probably both. God gives us peace and hope when we focus on Him.

Peace be with you,

M. O’Shea