Ladies, have you ever dreamed of a man who simply stares at you and says, “wow,” every time he sees you? I know I did, and it happened to me. I’m here to reveal my feminine wiles to you so you too can bag your dream man.
12 Steps to True Love, by Dr. Spoonie Love
1. Be yourself.
2. Develop a debilitating chronic illness that erases all of your precious hard work and goals.
This is the super fun part where people who don’t know you at all may start thinking you’re some poor dumb lazy loser who didn’t achieve the thousands of things you accomplished. You will need to remember these people are idiots, but at this step in the process you have amnesia. The idiots have stolen your brain. It’s not your fault.
3. Make sure you gain 100lbs. Really turns those men folk for a ride.
4. Become so inflexible you cannot scrub your tub or clean your shower.
5. Lose the ability to shower and remove those unseemly leg hairs.
6. Make sure your hair looks like a poodle on a muggy beach.
7. When your hands start to hurt applying makeup, this is perfect, as men prefer a natural woman. You will never have to worry about swimming dates again.
8. Begin to worry about swimming dates due to lack of coordination.
9. Experience an influx of extreme emotions as you realize you have developed a chronic illness and will never be deserving of love or a swimming date.
P.S. You are very wrong about this, which is the point of this ridiculous listicle. xoxo
10. Sit back as the people who already love you continue to love you, and attempt to explain things as needed using any method but interpretive dance.
Should interpretive dance be forced upon you, quietly excuse yourself to a nice couch and use one of your spoons for self-defense.
11. Realize that some people, especially yourself, aren’t going to leave you.
12. Understand that things will be okay, and you are worthy of the people, male and female, who love you.
Going against all common sense, I cut my hair into a curly pixie this past weekend. Stranger still, my fiancé stares at me in awe and breathes “wow.” I think it’s because I followed my 12 step program. Fellas, am I right?