Sometimes people are stupid, and that’s OK

Everybody has an evil little voice in their head that tells them they’re a piece of shit, or that something nice that happened to them was really sinister, or a good friend is out to get them. Many people name their evil little voice. I never have, but lately I’ve been thinking “anaconda” or “Brenda.” Mainly because my anaconda don’t want none unless you’ve got buns hun, and Brenda sounds like an annoying girl name. Like the Karen memes, but for a 14 year old. A blonde, cluelessly destructive 14 year old.

My Brenda anaconda (this is getting weird I know) likes to distort memories. Sometimes I wake up in the morning and she is flat out screaming at me that I am a horrible person and I should just… well… not deserve to live and I am an idiotic piece of shit how dare I take up space?

Brenda is not fun and she is basically a dick.

Brenda’s anaconda likes to blame other people and bite me into becoming a victim which is way not cool because other people have their own damn lives and I am a fucking person too.

So fuck off, Brenda. I don’t want none of your anaconda. CONSENT BITCH.

On Being Loving and Kind

A few years ago, I came across a slew of articles against teaching kids the importance of self-confidence and self-worth. These articles were on reputable websites such as Huffington Post around 2011.

At the time, I felt something acute pierce my chest, a sort of pallid, sudden sadness for these authors who blamed Disney and participation trophies for their own failures. It was pathetic. Couldn’t they see that pointing fingers at children’s movies was embarrassing and only they were in control of how they reacted to their lives, not a woe-earned participation trophy in fourth grade?

As I grew older, I saw more pointed blame at elementary school gifted and talented programs. Why? Because the child was told they were special, and they didn’t have to earn it.

Let me tell you a few things I have always believed that nobody ever taught me:

  • All individuals are unique, there are no unique individuals or nonconformists because we are all born under different circumstances and think different thoughts. We are all unique nonconformists.
  • Everyone is inherently divine and has a light inside them, which makes them worthy of respect. It doesn’t matter if you’re the lawyer or the janitor in the office. Most of us have flipped a burger at least once and we all fall on hard times.
  • This means you are special, you are worthy, and you don’t have to earn it.

Thing is, I believed this for other people. I didn’t believe it for myself.

This meant these thoughts were inauthentic, because if you don’t hold these three key truths for yourself, you will never go all the way genuinely in your mind and actions for anyone else.

What you’ll end up being is a ditherer – a washout – who is a mouse of a person. People will push you around and you’ll think it’s okay because of the three principles. They are inherently special, so you have to do what they say. But because you don’t hold yourself to be inherently special, your self-esteem suffers, and you begin to think nasty thoughts about these other people. The people who “push you around” may not even be pushing you around, they might be decent, ordinary humans trying to get on with their lives. But your warped point of view has them out to be devils. Or the pushers really could be pushy – your lack of self-esteem has driven you to choose bad friends.

What’s the point here? If you see your loved ones as hecklers, you aren’t going to love them well. You will make yourself out to be a victim. Yes, you might have good reasons – a troubled past, or a Disney movie (Bambi is very traumatic) but at the end of the day, being the loving, kind self you think you are starts with being loving and kind to yourself. Maybe start with Wreck-It-Ralph and work your way up.

Why Body Positivity is So Hard For Chronically Ill Women

I had my first EMDR session yesterday, and it went… badly.

In EMDR one of the first things you do is create a safe space for yourself, and I could not visualize myself as I am in that space. I kept seeing the old me, the beautiful former model me, and I began to sob.

As someone who attempts to champion body positivity and beauty is every-ability, I was ashamed at my reaction. I knew that my issues ran deep, but I didn’t know they were this invasive. I saw the girl who I once was in my head and longed to be her. I felt that she as lightyears away, a completely different person from me, and this person existed only a year ago.

Grieved by the fact that I was two different people in such a short amount of time, the tears came. Pain shot up my esophagus, and my shoulders ached.

What’s important to remember is that I am a completely gorgeous, unknown sized, purple haired, green eyed vixen with glittery pink catseye glasses. My double chin? That is fucking gorgeous y’all. My acne? Sexy as hell. My swollen hands and legs? Hot, even if it is part of my disease.

My therapist taught me the Vegas Nerve Stimulator for times of distress, and I must say, it works. She instructed me to put my thumb on my clavicle and my other thumb below my rib cage, and silently repeat to myself “I am a beautiful human being.” I almost believed it, which was better than being in the negative hit points.

I am sexy as hell, and I believe it.

So, why did I have this problem? Why do so many women who go through life altering events, and body altering events, have this problem?

As women we are taught we are our bodies, and that our bodies do not belong to us. Someone else gets to decide if we are sexy as hell, not us. And if that is decided, they have the opportunity and the right to act upon their urges.

But at the same time, beauty is a sacred thing, like art. I believe all life is a form of art, which is a reason why I enjoy painting and drawing nature. There is inherent divinity, and therefore beauty and light, everywhere and in everyone.

When a woman becomes sick, it’s as if that divinity and light is becoming assaulted, because society says sick isn’t beautiful. But real beauty is still there. No other person can negate her divinity and inner light, even if she becomes bitter.

I’m here to tell you to all my ladies down with the sickness, you never lost your beauty.
Now I’m reminded of the Alanis Morissette song that goes, “I’m sick but I’m pretty, BABY, and what it all goes down to my friends, is that everyone’s gonna be QUITE ALL RIGHT!”

My fellow gals, you are sick and you’re pretty, you are beautiful and divine, own that acne, own that messy hair, YOU ARE SEXY AS HELL.

Coming Back to Yourself

Since my fibromyalgia diagnosis, many terrible things have happened.

I’ve lost my job, I’ve lost most of my friends, I’ve lost my apartment and two cars. But I’ve found I’ve gained a lot, too.

I may have lost my mind but my heart’s come on pretty strong. The things I’ve loved have never left me. My closest friends are still here, as is my family and fiancé, no matter how many times I go Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde at them.

My dream of going to graduate school came true. I read all the time; it’s my biggest solace. There is yoga every morning, a dog in my lap, a sketchbook on the table, a notebook in my purse, my collection of odd lipstick and my wearable glitter. I have, honestly, gone out in green lipstick and glitter on my face to the falafel stand. My fiancé has agreed to help me dye my hair purple after our wedding.

The love is all still there. It never went any where. It just takes some eyes to see it.

This love is what makes living with chronic illness possible. The yoga, the dog, the glitter, and the books are all coping mechanisms that help me block out the pain. Without me I would live in a rainbow free world in black in white where all I could feel is sorrow.

So when you see the things that bring you joy, take a little snapshot in your mind. Let the world know how grateful you are for dogs and books and glitter. Be annoying about your love. Let it overflow, because without it there is desolation.

This is how fibromyalgia brought me back to myself after a huge disconnect of trying to fit into corporate America and “the man.” I was forced to listen to no one but myself to live my life.

Is this a positive? Definitely yes.

Let the love flow through you, y’all.

And now, a recap:

Pocket full of starlight: all the positives in my life are all still there and some have come back to me in the wake of my illness.

Pocket full of darkness: my computer crashes every 5 minutes so all my posts are written on a smartphone. That’s why this sounds like this was written by an 11 year old.

The Beginner’s Guide to Positive Thinking

A positive outlook is a skill. Some people master it at three seconds old, three years old, or thirty years old. I like to think of it as a martial art with many different disciplines. There’s the classic Kung Fu and TaeKwonDo, great at destabilizing assailants of negativity, the slow and poetic Tai Chi, perfect for artistically overcoming your inner demons, and the energetic and strategic Fencing and sword arts, suited for those who love to victoriously skewer their suffering on a pointy metal object.

Some people never enter the martial arts studio, some enter later in life, some stay as white belts, some make it to the sparring levels and stay there, some practise swordplay and bloodily dash their issues gleefully and goreily, and some dedicate their lives and become masters. Gifted folks have a natural talent. They may naturally gravitate towards self-defense and fighting arts, and know maneuvers without even stepping foot inside a studio. Many may ask mom for lessons at age two after running around pretending to be a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle or Batman, or mom may sign her child up after noticing disruptive behaviors with other children.

Hi, my name is Spoonie Bard, and I was the white belt, Ninja Turtle, Fencer who tried hard, but never got it. 

Oh, and I had disruptive reactions too. Like feeling overwhelmed when my chronic illness appeared, numbness upon the deaths of close family members that confused me, and bitterness at the unexpected path my life took despite my hard work and integrity.

These came with disruptive behaviors, like crying, spending too much time thinking, complaining excessively, messiness, and neglecting hobbies I once loved, such as music and art.

First, I will say that these are natural reactions to life events. It’s also called depression. Depression is actually expected when a trauma occurs in a person’s life. If your pet died tonight and you weren’t sad about it, I would probably think you were a monster. Most people would! That’s a silly example, but think about it. When bad things happen to people, it is rational for us to assume we would have a negative emotion to accompany the event.

Okay, so sadness and negativity is normal. Where does positive thinking fit into this?

Let’s first examine my definition of what life is all about.

  1. Life is not about eliminating what’s bad, or all of our life’s problems.
  2. Life is about reaching our full potential.
  3. How we reach our full potential is by investing in ourselves.
  4. We invest in ourselves by spending time on things we like, knowing what things we like, and ultimately knowing who we are so we can be ourselves.

Life is not about solving problems

Think about it. What are problems? Why are they problems?

There are obvious problems like “I need to put a roof over my head” or “I am experiencing serious pain.”

Let’s examine the markers that go with each of these two major problems.

What if needing to put a roof over your head was not a problem to be solved?

What if you still needed to put a roof over your head, but instead of it being a problem to be solved, it was an opportunity to be met with your full potential? Not necessarily a passion of yours, but your abilities? 

What if this problem of needing to provide was a blessing? So many people cannot provide for themselves. They cannot work, are unemployed, or are at the mercy of someone else controlling them.

Next, “I am experiencing serious pain.”

This is hard for me. I admit I am still working on this one a little as a white belt, but this is what I’ve worked up.

Try to turn this problem to be solved into a relationship with your body of affection and compassionate curiosity.

Engage with a dialogue with your body. Please seek medical care if you can. But when you’re not at the doctor or taking medications, practise talking to your physical self. Close your eyes and breathe deeply. Ask your body where it hurts the most and try to sense if there is an emotion there. Keep asking the places where your pain is questions. Get to know your body and the pain it harbors. 

Your Full Potential

The term “potential” always bothered me. As I grew up, people always told me I had so much potential. In this post I am not referring to monetary or physical success. I am talking about personal fulfillment.

Investing in Yourself

This is the key to positive thinking.

We spend so much time running around with self-help books, diets, exercise, so concerned with the person we need to be, the person we were told we should be. These are all actions that take away, or subtract, from who you are.

Let’s talk about adding to yourself.

When was the last time you sat down and did something for yourself, even if it was small, like listening to an audiobook of your choice on your commute? Or instead of scrolling through social media before bed, you read up verified sources on a subject you’re passionate about?

Passion and curiosity are the soil and water through which the roots of a grounded, healthy self grow. From here the flowers of a positive outlook blossom and your happy little person plant is sturdy enough to make it through the aphids and the pesticides of life. 

The big lesson here is that instead of working so hard on subtracting negative traits from yourself, instead focus on adding to positive things you like about yourself. 

Knowing Yourself

When you have a solid identity, it isn’t easily shaken. True, identities change and fluctuate over time, but being in a relationship with yourself and allotting time to seek yourself out regularly buffers this a bit. 

If you can like yourself because you do the things you like, you can charge your positive energy batteries for the storm of life. Here, you can begin to sense the inherent value all human beings are born with. 

Remember: you have your own light and it is already on. You just have to remember to take your sunglasses off inside the sanctuary.

I hope this was helpful, and I wish myself and you all out there on your journeys to positive thinking. Remember that positivity is not about ignoring the bad, never feeling sad, or invalidating your dark experiences. It is a path to wholeness in our somber, embarrassing, and painful moments.

Ultimately, positive thinking is an equation. Sadness + gladness + investment = positive outlook.

A recap:

Pocket full of starlight: positive thinking can be learned, and you have all the tools already inside of you.

Pocket full of darkness: there wouldn’t be positive thinking without negative thinking. Honor your journey and the journey of others. No one knows anyone else’s struggles. You can be in the dojo, on the playground, or trying to stick a straw in someone’s ear in the school cafeteria.